The Day Golf Stood Still

Posted December 29th, 2009 at 3:22 pm in Golf News

Gort Golf stood still for me the day it was announced that Tiger Woods was going to take some time off to regroup and work on some personal problems. How long his absence from golf will last is anyone's guess.

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I do have some concerns about his security at the venue where he does decide to return to the PGA Tour. What will that security have to resemble, a presidential detail of Secret Service? And holy cow!, how much is all that going to cost? Does a golf tournament on the PGA Tour schedule, a golf course where Tiger decides to stage his comeback circus – have the right to refuse?. Can you imagine, a PGA Tour event turning Tiger Woods away because they can't afford the tab for his security?

That's why I hope Tiger Woods has his own ""Gort" or even a boatload full of them stashed away somewhere. (He is rumored to be hiding out on a yacht in the Bahamas.) He could sure use the help of a Gort-like humaniod, an indestructible machine, a robot obeying every command without hesitation. Much like the one I've pictured here , the robot from outer space that rescued and protected Michael Renny in that great 50's sci-fi thriller The Day The Earth Stood Still.

I fear he is going to need one or more of machines such as Gort where, at just the uttering of a few nonsensical words, silly words such as; clapton, bahamas, nike or some such, they snap to attention, don their green armor and monster -walk to where Tiger is hiding from the human race. They then rescue Tiger and spirit him away via spaceship (helicopter) to the tournament site.

Security, or the lack of it, will determine the where and when of Tiger's official "comeback tournament." My money would be on a Tiger return at the Masters Tournament in April. It's the first of golf's majors and it's still four months away, time enough for someone to come to his rescue like he was kind enough to do for David Letterman. Augusta is also a very good place to hide from a hostile press, avoid the hecklers (Augusta comes down hard on them) and still be able to play competitive golf.

And I am not buying for a minute what some are saying about Tiger having to miss a major to prove he is serious about his relationship.

hootie The "Gort's" that run Augusta National, members, just like this Hootie character, may be the only ones rich enough to be able to afford the enormous cost of security that Tiger will expect for his return to the PGA Tour. But they are old hands at this stuff and will have no trouble protecting Tiger from the sorts of awkward questions the media might attempt to ask about his personal life.

But mostly, I think that member Gort's can also protect his highness from the unwashed. There will be no Colin Mongomery haters, drunk with the joy of walking upright heaping insults at the number one player in the world, a man who also just happens to be a member of the Augusta National Golf Club himself.

Masters galleries are limited in size, and to only those "patrons" with logo's on their clothing. There are no "mobs", no evidence of bikini wax, nor references to body bags, good heavens! Womens groups could gather and march in front of the gates to Magnolia Ln and Augusta National Golf Club while protesting the presence of Motherhood's current enemy # one, Tiger Woods, but sadly, no one would pay much attention to them. We all know what happened to the Martha Burke crowd, the Augusta Gort's used their other-worldly power and took away their spirit to win.

When Mr. Woods and his PR machine determine the time and place of his "comeback" to the PGA Tour, I think I can safely assume that most golfers will look forward to it, than not, I know this golfer does and I suspect Tim Finchem does too! We feel just awful for Erin but 300 million big ones should soften the blow. Erin, you are still young, astonishingly beautiful and your kids are perfect, have a nice life.

But lets get back to Tiger's comeback – Do you have an opinion on where it will be, which tournament will see Tiger again striding the fairways, the faithful Stevie by his side. Care to hazard a guess as to where this sports drama will play out? Will , The Day That Tiger Returns, mark an end to the final chapter in this soap opera?